Harry Potter: An Owner's Manual
by jctstorage
Summary: Based on the series by Theresa Green. So, you finally bought your own HARRY? Read me first!


Author's Note/Disclaimer: I do not own Harry or anything related to him. Property of JKR! I also do not own the Owner's Manual series. Property of Theresa Green! (found here: www.fanfiction.net/~theresagreen ) This isn't nearly as funny as the originals, or even the others not written by Theresa, but I had to do it! Oh, and Theresa, anyone with a GANDALF manual in the works? I'm not volunteering, merely curious! ~*~

_Congratulations! _You are now the proud owner of a HARRY POTTER! 

Please follow the guidelines in this manual carefully to ensure your HARRY functions at his optimal capability. 

  
**INSTALLATION**

When you receive your HARRY, unwrap him from his Hogwarts robes. It is not necessary to remove any other garments at this stage. 

Your HARRY should arrive fully assembled and powered up. Please check that you have all his accessories _(see below.)_

**TECHNICAL** **SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _Harry Potter_

Type: _Wizard_

Manufacturer: _Marauder Enterprises (Prongs Division)_

Weapon: _phoenix feather and holly_

Weapon Length: _11 inches_

**ACCESSORIES**

(a) Hogwarts robes

(b) Wand

(c) Invisibility cloak

(d) Marauder's map

(e) HEDWIG unit and components

(f) Firebolt

(g) Broken glasses

Note: Quidditch robes and accessories sold separately. Books and cauldron sold separately. 

**OPERATING** **PROCEDURE**

Your HARRY has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Recall that HARRY is the Boy-Who-Lived and as such can serve many useful functions around your home or office: 

Research: HARRY is first and foremost a student! Whenever you have a pesky question like, "Who is Nicholas Flamel?" just dispatch your HARRY unit to find out! Works best in conjunction with a HERMIONE and/or RON unit. 

Snake-charmer: With his unnatural ability to speak Parseltongue, your HARRY can entertain guests for hours. Or, if you live in an area with a large snake population, this is particularly useful in dealing humanely with the creatures. 

Mail service: Thanks to HARRY's pet HEDWIG, you never have to wait for your letter to be sent. Just use owl post, and you'll have a response in no time.  

Just about anything else!: Thanks to HARRY's abilities as a wizard, he can use his wand to do just about anything you need done, domestically speaking. Never use a vacuum or dishwasher again: HARRY can charm everything to wash itself. 

*** CAUTION *** Just because HARRY has fought countless battles against VOLDEMORT, do not assume he will make a good bodyguard or anything along those lines. He is, after all, a teenager, and this should be remembered at all times. Also good to note, it would probably not be wise to leave your HARRY alone with your equally teenage daughter. 

**COMPATIBILITY** **WITH** **OTHER** **MODELS**

HARRY is perfectly compatible with most Wizards and Muggles. Keep away from any VOLDEMORT or DEATH EATER units in the area, particularly DRACO MALFOY. 

HARRY has three major settings: 

(a) Hostile

(b) Friendly

(c) Romantic/Slash*

*** NOTE *** HARRY will automatically switch into Hostile mode when he encounters VOLDEMORT or DEATH EATERs, and it is his *default* setting with DRACO. He can be switched into Friendly or even Slash mode with DRACO, but the feature is disabled against VOLDEMORT or any DEATH EATER and they will remain in Hostile no matter what setting you adjust him to be. 

*Due to his youth, the Romance/Slash setting cannot be adjusted and is set at a PG-13 rating. 

**CLEANING**

Your HARRY model is perfectly capable of cleaning himself regularly and will probably do so without needing to be told. 

**RECHARGING**

After long periods of use, your HARRY's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your wizard: 

Food:  Most any normal food will do. 

Drink: Pumpkin juice or butterbeer preferred. 

Sleep:  Automatically sleeps at night. 

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/TROUBLESHOOTING**

**Q: **_Can I purchase a second HARRY?_

**A:**** One HARRY per household, as with all models in the Hogwarts World line. ******

**Q:**** _My HARRY has no scar and only talks about Quidditch, the Marauders, and some chick named Lily. What's wrong with him?_**

**A:** You have been accidentally been issued a JAMES. Stop complaining! No refunds available but exchanges are possible if intended model is in stock.

**Q: _My HARRY mopes, is distracted, and refuses to talk about it. I've caught him mumbling about his parents on several occasions. How can I make him feel better?_**** __**

**A: One of two things is causing this: a) the****i _Orphaned Child _****/iprogram has been activated, or b) he has come in contact with a MIRROR OF ERISED. If a) is the problem, spoil him rotten and let him have as much time with his friends in a Hogwarts setting as often as possible. If it's b), seek out and destroy the MIRROR, then proceed as though a) were the problem right from the start. Never speak of the MIRROR again. **

**Q: **_My HARRY picks fights with anyone wearing green, silver, and/or black, or any obese male he encounters. He brandishes his wand and threatens to hex them if they come any closer.___

**A:** In the first instance, your HARRY is suffering from _Gryffindor Hero Complex and associates the colors with Slytherin and its generally unsavory inhabitants. Explain calmly to him that your Grandfather is a Muggle and he can't wave his wand in public unless he wants you to lock it up. The same goes for the obese people, only in that instance his _Repressed Anger against Dursleys_ program has taken effect. _

**Q:**** _My HARRY was set to Romance and encountered a Hostile Draco._**** __**

**A:**** Before exposing your HARRY (or any unit) to another unit, make sure their settings are put to the same level. Your HARRY will recover from this probably traumatizing experience relatively unscathed. We are working on software that enables your unit to adjust its setting according to that of another unit's automatically to avoid confrontations such as this in the future, particularly in student/professor relationships. The upgrade should be released within the next year. **

**Q:**** _My HARRY's hair isn't disheveled and his eyes appear blue._**** __**

**A: **You've been sent Daniel Radcliffe by mistake. Please kindly return immediately, and no charges will be filed. 

**Q: **_My HARRY took off on his Firebolt and refuses to come down. _

**A: **Tell him that if he doesn't come down, you won't buy him the Quidditch package. If you've already bought him one, threaten to withhold it from him. Any number of threats relating to but not exclusively: never going to the Burrow, never returning to Hogwarts, or never going to another Quidditch World Cup game will all work in any instance of disobedience, but be careful not to overdo it or he may turn his _Repressed Anger against Dursleys _program over onto you.

**Q:**** _I sent HARRY to the store for me and he got thrown out after trying to pay in Galleons. How can I get him to carry around Muggle money?_**** __**

**A:**** Your only hope is to let him carry both forms of currency and teach him when to use each. He's a smart lad and should figure it out but sometimes he forgets he's not in the wizarding community. On a side note, it is good to let him interact with other witches and wizards in a wizard setting (your nearest Flourish and Blotts, perhaps) to keep him happy. **

** Q:**_ Minutes after I opened my HARRY, my yard was surrounded by prepubescent girls clamoring for him. _Help!_** __**_

**A: **This is the case with most male units of the Hogwarts World line. Your only chance is to tell them that someone in the next town has purchased a Mk II LEGOLAS. If that doesn't work, most local authorities permit feeding them a single sedative-laced cookie then calling their parents to collect them while they're sleeping. *WARNING* A SINGLE COOKIE PER FANGIRL. We are NOT liable for your legal fees if you fail to heed this warning. 

**Q:** _My daughter and/or son has become increasingly withdrawn since I got my HARRY. S/he refuses to spend time with him, and it upsets me. I bought my HARRY to be a companion for little Suzy/Johnny!___

**A:** Ask yourself if you are spending too much time with your HARRY. Have been neglecting your own children? Do you buy things for HARRY and not them? Help him with his Potions, but not them with their World History? 

**AVAILABILITY:**

HARRY is available sold separately or as part of the _Dream Team_ set with RON and HERMIONE. Set units not marketed for individual sale. 

**GUARANTEE:**

Your HARRY will provide you and your family with years of quality service. There is a limited warranty until HARRY hits the age of twenty. After that time it is assumed that he will be able to handle any encounters he has with VOLDEMORT. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


End file.
